3/20/2011 - tell yourself the right story. . .

My partner Sam doesn't read my blog.

On one hand, I want him to, not because I think this is some tome worthy of his attention, but because I want him to take part or show some interest in this endeavor I am undertaking.  He says that he has been too busy to read this, or that he is waiting until I have written a few so he can dust them all out at once.  

Well, I've managed to dust out 80 of these entries now, and he has logged enough hours on HGTV to be able to recognize episodes within the first five minutes, yet I don't think he's read any entry since the first week's.  It is a little frustrating.

But on the other hand, as there always is one, I know that he does not like to read, and he wonders why he should have to read about what I would normally be telling him in person.  I can't argue with that latter bit of logic, I guess, but then again, on the third hand, I don't always tell him about the things that I write on here.  A lot of this stuff doesn't exactly work its way into conversation.  Well, an interesting one, anyway.

With all those hands in the air, I find it easiest to just hold his lack of blog-attention against him, feel that he just can't be bothered to spare five minutes a day to see the fruits of this self-assignment.  I feel that because he does not read this blog, he can't know what I've been doing for an hour every day while cooped up in the office upstairs.

And he should know, right?  The more I asked myself that question, the more ire I accumulated.

Then, I found some materials the other day from a seminar I took at work called "Crucial Conversations" a few months ago.  It was designed to help people communicate better at work, but truthfully, I have found it to be more useful in my personal life, especially in this instance with Sam.  Though much of the seminar has already departed my memory, I do remember this: the first and most important step to successful communication, even if no other steps are taken, is to tell yourself the right story.

The easier story to tell myself is that Sam was just being inattentive and not wanting to make an effort; therefore, I have every right to be angry with him.  And for a while, I told myself that story, intensifying his insensitivity with each retelling.  But thinking about the tenets of my "Crucial Conversations" seminar, I knew that I had to change the story I was telling myself, find the more difficult story, if I wanted to resolve this issue.  That story involves starting with the fact (and I do accept it as a fact) that Sam cares about me.  And with this understanding, why, then, would he do something to deliberately cause a rift between us?  He wouldn't, so his avoidance of this blog is not meant as a personal affront, but because of something else.

That 'something else,' however, is difficult to ascertain; if I ask him, he won't say, but will revert to the same excuses he's used before.  Sam does not do "crucial conversations."  But I don't need to know what that reason is, I guess.  That reason can be his secret, and for the time being, this blog will be mine.  The mutual exclusivity does not in any way have to be a statement on how he feels about me, or how I feel about him.  I will continue to write; he will continue to watch HGTV reruns, and we can still live without any hard feelings or ones of obligation between us.  After all, a blog is just a blog, but a kiss is still a kiss.